L

I remember the first time I saw L.
I remember realising I had a crush on him.

I remember his smile as we flirted, 6 years later.
I remember the feel of his knee against mine, as we reviewed each other's Spotify playlists at a leaving party.

I remember the fear as I asked him out for a drink 3 days later. 
I remember the elation when he said yes, after a long ten minutes staring at my phone. 

I don't remember what I wore to our first date. 
I remember the feel of his lips on mine, standing outside Covent Garden station.  
I remember our first inside joke.

I remember him meeting me at the station so we could walk to work together. 
I remember the feel of his fingers holding mine.
I remember him kissing me as a busker sang Ed Sheeran songs.
I remember him telling me I was beautiful.  

I remember feeling safe. 
I remember staying up until the early hours of the morning talking. 
I remember waking up and curling up into him, his lips meeting my forehead. 

I remember realising I loved him.
I remember telling him, and him saying thank you. 

I remember meeting his parents.
I remember him meeting mine, our fingers intertwined on the table.

I remember the exact moment I felt him pull away. 
I remember convincing myself it was me making things up through fear of losing him.

I remember waking up at 2am, with his body wrapped around mine in his sleep. I pushed him away as my neck complained. 
I remember our last kiss as he left mine in the morning. 
I remember that was our last night together.

I wish I didn't remember 2 days after. 

I wish I didn't remember the look in his eyes as he said we needed to talk. 
I wish I didn't remember what I was wearing that night. The same dress I was wearing when we were at the party. My once favourite dress that I haven't worn since.
I wish I didn't remember the feeling of our goodbye. 

I don't remember the following week. I do remember the pain. 

7 months later, I try to forget those memories.
I try to remember to put one step in front of the other.
I try to piece myself back together, ignoring that a piece of the puzzle is missing.
I try. 

I'm not sure I'm succeeding.