Waving Through a Window

Some of you may know that I am a *bit* of a Disney / theatre geek. There's a song I've been listening to on repeat lately, and a frankly awful day at work today has finally made it click into place.

That song is "Waving Through a Window" in my new favourite musical (sorry, Lin), Dear Evan Hansen. The show follows a teen with social anxiety, after the death of another student to suicide (cheery, I know). Anyway, I digress. The opening line is "I've learned to slam on the brake, before I even turn the key".

I've been relating to it thinking "yes, I always worry about the million-and-ten things that could go wrong before I do anything". But today I've realised that it goes deeper than that. Because at the moment for me, that brake is firmly slammed on. The key is in my hand, not even nearly turning.

After the London Bridge attack, I went to see a therapist. We spoke about what happened initially, then when the shock subsided, she said something that is finally sinking in. She said I spend my life suppressing. Putting things, thoughts, emotions, memories in boxes, putting the lid on them, and burying them. Even myself. I wave through a window. To be honest I always considered that a great coping mechanism. A way to get through what I've experienced. How I truly feel about my disability, the surgeries (necessary, but you know what? Not fair... Why me and not someone else?), dealing with anxiety and depression. It all goes in the box.

The problem with suppressing it all is firstly, boxes have lids, and every so often all that emotion, that anger, that hurt, that sadness is released in a fire, making it a pretty bad place for me, and people in the crossfire. Secondly, it results in the brakes being slammed on, key in hand.

To mix metaphors up, I also want to bring Disney in. There's always a moment where the Princess has what Disney call her "I want" song. Pocahontas sang about what was around the riverbend, Ariel wished to be where the people are, Belle wanted adventure (in the great wide somewhere... stop singing, Laura). I think that song is about to start for me. I want more. I deserve more, I deserve happiness. Quite how I get there depends what happens when I turn the key.

 But then, as in my other favourite Dear Evan Hansen song, Words Fail "what if everyone saw? What if everyone knew? Would they like what they saw, or would they hate it too?". There is that fear, that if I turned the key, that it would go wrong again. Truth be told, it has to be better, or it couldn't feel lower than I felt today.

 I suppose the last question is how do I get out? How do I know what it is I deserve? What do I want? How do I step into the Sun? I genuinely don't know. But the key is about to turn, and I'll attempt to not slam on the brake.  

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