Oscar Pistorius : An Update

I never realised how much the Oscar Pistorius case would affect me. Today, he has been sentenced to 5 years in prison (with a likelihood that he will be released in 10 months), found guilty of culpable homicide. My feelings on this are very mixed. 

As you may have seen on my previous blog posts, Oscar was my idol - the one that I looked up to when things used to infuriate or unsettle me. The one that when people questioned me becoming a nurse, who I referred to - if Oscar can achieve what he has, then I can too.

As the trial developed, it became clear that Oscar had a dark, angry, defensive side, and in truth, I get that. I will never blame anyone for my disability, it happens, it's one of those things - however it does make you very aware, and self defence and self preservation is key. I cannot even imagine how vulnerable you must feel not having your legs. I cannot imagine how frustrating it must be if things are constantly out of reach, or just having to adapt everything just to live day to day. It must be maddening.

A big part of my job is teaching. I am a very expressive person when I teach, and I use my hands to emphasise my point. Sometimes when I teach, I can see people looking at my hands rather than focusing on what I am saying. On a good day, it's annoying - a reminder that I am different. On a bad day, it can be infuriating. But I can hide my hands, I can sit on them. But the very thing that made Oscar famous, his disability, must have been discussed in every interview going - I imagine he must have felt like I do at times, but with 100x the pressure and attention.

Did Oscar get the support, or was he told to get on with it, did he hide his feelings? Did that pressure to be the best, in spite of his disability, get to him in the end? Did his anger get the better of him?

Now, I feel that I must say that all the above does not excuse him from shooting his girlfriend. I don't believe that he meant to kill Reeva - I agree with Judge Masipa on that (I know a lot of you will disagree). I however, do disagree that it wasn't manslaughter. You don't shoot through a door when you know someone is on the other side without knowing you will do damage, whether through fear or anything. As a verdict goes, I do think he got off lightly. 5 years for taking any life is not long enough. Her family now have their own life sentences. 

I do believe that Oscar regrets what he has done. I do believe that he is genuinely remorseful. I believe he now has his own life sentence. He won't get over what he did. He won't ever be the Blade Runner again. 

He still achieved all he achieved. He still became the first Paralympian to compete in the Olympics. He still supported many charities for disabled people. He still did all that. But all of that is now tarnished, gone forever. He will forever more be the runner without legs who killed his girlfriend. Whether people think he meant to do it or not will always be debated.

I feel that I am now quite lost, that I have lost something that meant a lot to me. This probably sounds selfish, but I do. I don't know if there is anyone else that feels the same. I don't feel anger when I feel I probably should. I just feel immense sadness. Sadness for Reeva, sadness for her family, sadness for Oscar. Sadness for all those Oscar inspired, sadness, for the loss of my hero. 

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